Taglines

Taglines (and emoticons) originated in the days of online discussion groups. They were typically used at the end of the signature with which one would end a post.

Disclaimer: these “taglines” have been collected over ten years. A few of them are my originals, and I understand the rest to be in the public domain.

On this page:
Tough Questions | Cats | Let’s Not Get Along | Star Trek | Twisted Sayings from Richard Needham | Computing etc. | Wordplay | Swifties | Marriage & Divorce | Sanity | other

Tough Questions

About words:

  • Where can I find a synonym for “thesaurus” ?
  • What’s another word for “synonym”?
  • When will the rhetorical questions end? (G. Carlin)
  • Why isn’t “gullible” listed in the dictionary?
  • Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
  • If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  • Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it is pronounced?
  • Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
  • Why does “monosyllabic” have five syllables?
  • Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
  • Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
  • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  • Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
  • If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
  • If flies didn’t have wings, would they be walks?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why do they call it the U.S. Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
  • Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. . but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
  • If a tin whistle is made of tin, what’s a fog horn made of?
  • Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?
  • Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
  • Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

About life:

  • Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  • Do invisible cats drink evaporated milk?
  • How do they make the Teflon stick to frying pans?
  • Do androids dream of electric sheep? (Philip K. Dick)
  • If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
  • If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the
    universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
  • When the snow melts, where does all the white go?
  • If a mute boy swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
  • Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  • Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? (George Carlin)
  • Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
  • How come we never hear any “father-in-law” jokes?
  • If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to?
  • If someone with multiple personalties threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  • Do kings have sweat bands in their crowns? (G. Carlin)
  • Don’t you feel uneasy that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  • Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?
  • How do you throw out a garbage can?
  • Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
  • If you’re against picketing, how do you show it?
  • Why are there no size B batteries? (G. Carlin)
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
  • If Inuit hunters sit on the ice too long, do they get Polaroids?
  • If going to church makes you a Christian, does standing in a garage make you a car?
  • If you saw with a sawhorse, do you seesaw with a seahorse?
  • Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
  • If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
  • Is Karl Marx’s tomb a communist plot?
  • Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
  • Do the swallows come to Capistrano to see the people?
  • If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
  • If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • What time is it at the North Pole?
  • Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
  • Why DID kamikaze pilots wear helmets????
  • Why is there a permanent press setting on an iron?

Computing and Communications

  • Ack and you shall receive
  • BUFFERS=7 FILES=5, 4th quarter, 2nd down & 6.
  • Error: No Keyboard: Press F1 to Continue.
  • File Not Found…..Loading something that looks similar.
  • EBKAC – Error Between Keyboard And Chair
  • I’m just a stunt driver on the information highway

Cats

  • t+h838 *f#*D (SMACK!) MEEYOW!…and STAY off my keyboard!
  • Cats remind us that not everything in life has a purpose
  • Purring….the sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness

Let’s not get along

  • Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  • I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • You sound reasonable… Time to up my medication.
  • I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
  • Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
  • Narrow-minded? He can see thru a keyhole with both eyes.

Puns and wordplay

  • They also surf who only stand on waves.
  • Addicted to brake fluid? Nah, I can stop any time. (Mark Foerster)
  • If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.
  • Bough, cough, dough, rough, sought, through, hiccough – argh!
  • Man was predestined to have free will.
  • She’s in love with her psychiatrist: she’s shrink-rapt
  • Threw jelly at cop; conviction: carrying congealed weapon
  • Cross a cannon with a bell: boomerang!
  • With fronds like these, who needs anemones?
  • Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are inseine.
  • Australian beer is made out of kangaroo hops
  • Does “Quasimodo” ring a bell? I had a hunch it would…
  • Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice
  • Dyslexics of the world, untie!!
  • Erik the Red was a Norse of a different colour
  • HEBREW – the **MANLY** beer!
  • Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy
  • In plumbing,a straight flush is better than a full house
  • It looks like an optical illusion, but it isn’t
  • Me…a skeptic? I trust you have proof
  • Pornography? We don’t even have a pornograph!
  • Puns are bad..but Poetry is……verse
  • Red ship crashes into blue ship – sailors marooned ….
  • The beauty of a pun is in the argh of the beholder
  • The cost of feathers has risen, now even down is up
  • The cow ate bluegrass and mooed indigo…
  • To learn about paranoids, follow them around
  • Gentlemen prefer bonds. (Andrew Mellon)
  • Tried to play my shoehorn – all I got was footnotes
  • Try Milk of Amnesia – when you need to forget
  • When you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall
  • Witches fly on brooms because nature abhors a vacuum
  • I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. (G. Carlin)
  • Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
  • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
  • If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
  • A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  • When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
  • Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Dog crossbreeds

  • Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
  • Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
  • Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, ideal for …. oh, well, it doesn’t
    matter anyway
  • Irish Setter + Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
  • Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
  • Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
  • Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
  • Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu = well, never mind that one.

Star Trek

  • I am Popeye of Borg. Prepare to be askimilgrated
  • I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to … ooh, donuts!
  • I am Flatulus of Borg. Prepare to be asphyxiated

Needham’s Sayings

Richard J. Needham was a columnist in the Toronto Globe & Mail for many years.

  • A penny saved is a penny.
  • Children should be sane and not hurt.
  • Invention is a necessity of motherhood.
  • Familiarity breeds.
  • Love and marriage go together like a horse.
  • Greater love hath no man than this, that he play down his life for his friends.
  • Groceries were born free, and everywhere they are in chains.
  • You’re never too old to.

Marriage and Divorce

  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
  • There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dip-nuts’s.
  • I married my wife for her looks – but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.

Sanity

  • Emo Phillips: Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps
  • I have lots of friends. You just can’t see them.
  • I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
  • You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to ME.

Other stuff

  • Procrastinate Now
  • Rehab Is for Quitters
  • headline: Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
  • 43% of all statistics are worthless.
  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • We cna tyep 300w rods pre minuet!
  • Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  • All taglines are busy…One will be with you shortly.
  • At least when you fail no one is jealous.
  • No one is listening until you fart.
  • Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
  • Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
  • Cheating? No, I’m practising team skills
  • Design flaws travel in groups.
  • Every crowd has a silver lining – P.T.Barnum
  • Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
  • I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
  • For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • I am tolerant of your fruitcake-like beliefs.
  • I can be decisive, I think.
  • I didn’t believe in reincarnation the last time, either.
  • I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
  • I’m older now than I’ve ever been before!
  • I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
  • I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
  • I have my own little world. But it’s OK – they know me here.(Jack Handey?)
  • If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
  • In child-rearing, who’s training whom?
  • It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.
  • I’ve upped my standards. Up yours. (Pat Paulsen)
  • In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular.
  • Let’s defy common sense and try to be happy together (Ashleigh Brilliant)
  • You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking. (Jack Handey?)
  • Life is too important to ever take seriously.
  • Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.
  • Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. (Groucho Marx)
  • Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • The world is coming to an end. Please log off now.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end
  • When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
  • Who the Dickens wrote “Oliver Twist”, anyway?
  • Who’s Afraid Of Virgin Wool?
  • Why is the “right size” for a corporation always smaller?
  • The phrase “surgical strike” might be more acceptable if it were common to perform surgery with high explosives. (G. Carlin)
  • A tree: first you chop it down, then you chop it up. (G. Carlin)
  • Things I can do without: a crying woman with a harpoon gun entering a sports bar. (G. Carlin)
  • Everybody else’s stomach has a six-pack, I have a keg. (Homer Simpson)