How to raht a country song

The main rule
Your goal is to use the “ah” sound as much as pahsible. Whether you’re from Chicoutimi or Tbilisi or Bemidji, you have to trah to sound lahk yer from Abilene.

Pronunciation
If you have to use a word that doesn’t already sound like “ah,” just change every vowel to “ah” if you can.

Word Choice
First, note that only sissies use words with more than two, er, syllables. You can say “McDonalds” but you won’t be using it in a song so it’s OK. If you’re singing about your Escalade, it ain’t country no more so don’t.

Next, look for simple “ah” words

  • find the “ar” sound and dropping the “r.” So bar, car, far, heart, part become Bah, cah, fah, haht, paht.
  • look for the long I sound: drive, life, like, my, why, cry, try become drahv, lahf, lahk, nah, whah, crah, trah.
  • then get creative and fahnd other vowel sahnds to change.

Special non-ah words
“Will” becomes “weeyull”
“with you” is pronounced “witchoo”
It’s never wrong to drop in “baby” as many times as you need to.

Rhymes
Close is good enough; in fact, even a vague similarity will do. For example, “love” and “Hum” are close enough, as they both have the “uh” sound.

Pronouns
Use “you and me” or “you and I” as often as possible. Figure out which is grammatically correct in context, then use the other one. So it will always be “for you and I” but “you and me will make it.”

Grammar
Use negatives as much as possible. It’s ain’t never wrong to say you ain’t gonna do no stuff no more.

Clichés
Load ’em up, you can’t use too many.

  • Give me the strength to carry on
  • Can’t make it withou chew

You know the rest.

A sample song

I can’t make all these claims and not back them up. So here’s a song Ah jes’ wrote.
When this is a #1 hit remember you saw it here first. Copyright 2011 Tim Hicks.

Girl:
We can make it if we trah,
But Ah don’t lahk mah gah to lah.
So one thang he’s gotta do,
What he tells me must be true.

Chorus:
If he lahs to me then he’ll be gahn,
I won’t have the strength to carry ahn

Boy:
When Ah’m drahvin’ in mah cah,
Ah cain’t ever get so fah
That Ah fahget what Ah must do,
Ah must tell her thangs that’s true.

Chorus:
If Ah lah to her then Ah’ll be gahn,
Ah won’t have the strength to carry ahn.

Together:
Ain’t no livin’ withou chew,
So that’s what [Ah/you] weeyull have to do.
Baby, baby, baby, ooh,
That’s what we will have to do.